Communication.

The best email that I have received so far this year.

As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s
ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

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22 Responses to Communication.

  1. Mike says:

    Toilet stain removal… hah!

    I actually stopped drinking coca-cola after visiting the Coca-Cola museum in Atlanta, Georgia, and thinking that the drink is nothing but overpriced, carbonated, flavored, colored water. That was 16 years ago and the only time I’ve had one since is on the very, very rare occasions I have had a rum and coke mixed drink — like 2 times in 16 years.
    Mike recently posted..Where on Earth? and when?

  2. tammy j says:

    HAHAHA! spot on!
    tammy j recently posted..moving on old bean

  3. I cheerfully admit I read emails with one hand on the mouse, but then we already knew I have insufficient brain capacity.
    Cheerful Monk recently posted..Outdated Concept?

  4. kylie says:

    Love it!
    kylie recently posted..empty streets

  5. I had such a good laugh! Great way to spend a rainy morning!
    Still the Lucky Few recently posted..Vibrant Health—Yours at Any Age!

  6. Kaitlin says:

    That is hilarious! Thank you for sharing!

  7. Mate, you made my day. Thank you so much.
    Regards, Keith.
    Keith H. Burgess recently posted..A Sensible Option For Self Defence in Australia.

  8. Max Coutinho says:

    LOL LOL LOL LOL….oh my…

    Hi Rummy,

    Well, some of the information in those emails is true (mainly the huge phone bill after taking calls from foreign countries – it happened to my granny). I am already paranoid enough without having to read everything people send me and I surely do not believe in chain messages promising miracles after targeting 4444 friends.

    Loved this post, though: it’s very entertaining, indeed. Thank you for the laugh. But I say: live the best you can, eat in the healthiest way possible, be active (while you’re young not to regret it when you’re older) and have fun.

    Cheers
    Max Coutinho recently posted..President Kabila and the Catholic Church: Are All Bets Off?

  9. nick says:

    Brilliant. Best not to think how many of the things we handle every day are probably grossly contaminated. We’d never touch anything at all. But of course our immune systems can put paid to most harmful organisms pretty quickly.

  10. hillsmom says:

    Oh thanks very much for a very good laugh on this dreary, cold, day. Will be sure to check your blog every now and then. Best for 2018.

  11. ditto all the LOL etc

Comments are closed.