I had a tumultuous time with my father for most of my life as did all my siblings. Towards his end, he became more than usually cantankerous and my son and I had to bear the brunt of his behaviour. These facts are known to all my regular readers and before they start wondering why I am raking up those old issues, now after almost three years of his death, let me share what a friend sent to me because he knew about my problems with my father. There may well be others who read this who may have had problems with their fathers and they too may wish to do what I have done here.
I can confidently say that I am quite comfortable that none of the problems that the writer talks about are relevant to me. Let me just quickly go through the six dysfuntional signs that he talks about.
1. You’re aloof. You focus your mind on things other than what’s going on in your relationships. You miss cues from those around you that your relationships need your attention.
Far from it. All my relationships are on even keel and I am quite comfortable in my own skin. Facebook, if anything has brought a lot of those relationships closer. One friend has decided to stop being friends with me, and that is perfectly alright with me. I have decided to ease off on one relationship. Both are perfectly alright because, they have not in any way affected my other relationships.
2. You’re unconcerned. It’s difficult for you to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes because you’re not comfortable in your own. You find it impossible to relate to others experiences emotionally. What concerns you most is how something impacts you.
I am very concerned about what happens to those that matter to me. Right now there are four people in my life who are going through very difficult times and all of them know that I am around for them and seek me out for support and help. I walk in their shoes without which I would not be able to be there for them.
3. You’re disrespectful. It’s not on purpose. You just don’t have a clue how to show respect.
What do my readers think?
4. You’re commitment-phobic. You learned early in life not to rely on people. They were unreliable. They always disappointed you, and that hurt. To avoid being hurt again, you avoid making commitments.
Total nonsense, at least, in my life. Not that I have gone looking for relationships that may cause hurt since my wife died, but, I had forty years of committed life with her and am now too old to start a new one. I live in India. It is extremely difficult to do such things at my age anyway.
5. You’re irresponsible. You were never able to figure out how to do things right. It seemed like the rules always changed. Rather than be blamed for things going wrong when you do everything to try to get them right, it’s easier just say, “Hey, it wasn’t my fault!”
If anything, people around me inform me that I am too responsible! I take my responsibilities seriously and have not failed anybody ever. At least not to my knowledge.
6. You’re unaffectionate. If you were touched at all as a child, it was to have the crap beat out of you. Showing affection by touching someone doesn’t come naturally for you and feels awkward.
If anything, this is a strong point. I am a very touchy feely kind of a fellow and sometimes that can get to be embarrassing!
The writer concludes his post with the question – “What have you done to face your “daddy” issues?”
What issues?
i used to love to read lay psychology books… i think the English call it ‘therapy speak!’
now it kind of just makes me tired.
i suppose people need to delve into all the reasons or types of behavior. but part of me wants to simplify life more…
to say… live and let live and try to do no harm.
that is enough for me.
there are introverts and extroverts. people who need people and those who don’t seem to so much.
neither is right or wrong. they simply are.
that’ what i think anyway. i don’t know about ‘daddy issues.’
people are nice. and some people are cruel. some of those cruel people are daddies. and if you have a daddy like that … then i’m sure it’s harder.
but i think you are wonderfully wise and well rounded. and LOLOL! no!
not your tummy! your personality! it’s a delight. no life coach needed!
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Do feel free to comment on my anatomy as well as my otherwise rounded personality. The outer and the inner has to balance!
What drivel.
1) aloof? no more than your culture teaches you to be based upon your education and work history so keeping the context you are well adjusted and very aware of those around you. You do not offer opinion out of the blue in my experience but are always willing to listen and comment if asked
2) I agree with your assessment
3) bull honky donky. You are quite respectful in my experience
4) 40 years of marriage automatically disprove this comment.
5) Successful 40-year marriage, successful business career – hmmm – more BS it seems
6) I suppose I am not qualified to comment on this one but you have never hinted at anything affectionate toward me. But don’t bother – you’re not my type anyway.
One wonders whatever prompted these comments. My experience with you is totally contrary to this list but in my defense I have not known you hat long on the overall timeline of your life. 🙂
Keerect! That is the word. Drivel fits perfectly.
And, no Shackman, I don’t swing that way at all, but will give you, or at least attempt to give you a big hug when we do finally get to meet.
Mothers are important, too. I have a feeling your mother wasn’t at all like your father.
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You are right. She was totally different. Who knows, one day, I may come across another survey like this one on mothers and attempt to answer that also!
To the person who first wrote this list:
1. Or someone finds you interesting and the chemistry for a relationship just isn’t there so they blame you. Alternately, the person supposedly aloof, just has experienced some REAL problems in life, and knows handing someone the “right” flowers since their cat just had kittens isn’t always first on the priority list. ie a quick word, and then visiting someone dying in a hospital is more important. You, dear list writer, aren’t five years old, and should grow up. (It takes two to decide what a relationship is)
2. Or you have simply reached a stage in your life where you are comfortable in your own shoes, and see no reason to put on someone else’s wellies. but you will support them if they need it and be glad for them if something goes right. (Never let someone play their gripe tape at you. they are fishing for a patsy)
3. LOL. who decides what respect is? I’m not jealous of you, or don’t want to be like you? yadayadayada. It’s enough that you are. Both good and bad.
4. If someone is pulling you down so you can be friends, he is doing just that- pulling you down. run. you will never be friends.
5. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. whether you accept responsibility for an action or not, about the third time you get hit with a legal problem or a fist in the face, you will probably finally take responsibility for finding out what went wrong. This should have happened LONG before now. Like teen years. If it has not happened, why would anyone want to be friends with you?
And 6. People who weren’t touched as children often gravitate to a partner or a group of friends who know the importance of expressing affection (and laughing) and pass it on quite freely, since they understand the importance.
I know you are not of my belief system, Ramana, why should you be, but perhaps you have some personal equivalent in your life for “God doesn’t make junk?”
In my belief system, which is Advaita, God cannot make junk because God is me! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aham_Brahmasmi
just plain weird!
Nice way to explain that post!
I wouldn’t say I have any of those issues either. But you know all about my hopeless relationship with my father. We didn’t speak to each other for decades because he always wanted me to be a carbon-copy of himself. But I never dwelt on all that, I put it behind me and got on with the rest of my life.
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It is possible to get rid of those ghosts if we really want to. I did, though it took a long time.
Man-oh-Man! If there has been anyone with such “Daddy Issues” in my life, they didn’t last long. I suppose I recognize the type from novels and movies, but I am fortunate to have had better judgment than to associate. Thus, you realize…I see none of this applying to you or you wouldn’t be allowed the title of “long-distance, virtual friend” to whom I am quite attached (in a perfectly healthy way).
You flatter me and I love being flattered by you. And I heartily reciprocate.