This is the most challenging topic that I have so far attempted to write on for the weekly Friday 2 on 1 blog posts where Shackman and I write on the same topic. Please go over to his blog to see what he has to say on the topic that he has suggested.
grudge
ɡrʌdʒ/Submit
noun
plural noun: grudges
1.
a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
“I’ve never been one to hold a grudge”
synonyms: grievance; More
verb
3rd person present: grudges
1.
be resentfully unwilling to give or allow (something).
“he grudged the work and time that the meeting involved”
synonyms: begrudge, resent, feel aggrieved/bitter about, be annoyed about, be angry about, be displeased about, be resentful of, mind, object to, take exception to, regret; More
It is most challenging for me for the simple reason that for the world of it, I cannot think of even one grudge that I ever had leave alone grudges. And, I am serious. I can neither think of the noun nor the verb to come up with any thing that I can write up on. Perhaps I have just been very fortunate or simply that I am made that way. I do not know and now at the age of 75 I do not want to speculate on why I have been so fortunate.
My apologies Shackman, I hope that I have not disappointed you.
I think grudges are a waste of time — it’s better to learn from the situation and move on rather than keep yourself stuck and feeling victimized.
Agreed.
I think a grudge can be several different things – the persistent ill-will you mention, but also the kind of obsessive, irrational hatred that completely takes you over, and also the desire to take some sort of action that expresses the grudge.
I have persistent ill-will against my father, but it never developed into the other types of grudge. Grudges that turn into pathological hostility are very self-destructive.
I can understand the differences and can also readily think of examples of both kinds, though not in me but, in others.
Like you, Ramana, I don’t hold grudges. It’s not in my nature. Though, whilst on the whole I am glad I don’t, I sometimes wish I did. It would make it easier for me, to use Jean’s lingo, “to move on” instead of trying to flog dead horses.
However, here’s a thought: Even if you and I don’t hold grudges what about grudges held against us? No bull, Ramana, there are people (not least in blogland) who will lovingly tend to their grudge(s). For years. Till, in the mist of time, anyone will be hard pressed to even remember what brought the grudge on in the first place. But it’s there, established like a stubborn weed. Never mind. I pity holders of grudges, the calcified, unyielding. They’d probably rather choke on their grudge than shake hands and make up.
U
Surely, it is their problem? Why should it matter to either or both of us?
I am not surprised you do not bear grudges – you are the most even keeled individual I know or have ever met. To U’s point though – I suspect of everyone I know she has more grudges held against her than anyone, fairly or not. Though she and I do not always agree, we do have fun “discussing” –
My response to her apples here as well. I too quite enjoy Ursula’s “discussions”.
The question remains. In this case is she holding on to a grudge or what else would you call it? That has nothing to do with some people liking her interactive style and some people not liking it. People don’t have to be liked by everyone.
I have a whole different view of grudges apparently! I think everybody has them.
now a ‘vendetta’ is something altogether different. I know I have no vendettas.
I can see how deep grudges could result in vendettas! that’s not good at all.
I think of a grudge as not being unable to ever forgive the person and forget whatever they did or said and just move on.
and I just wrote a terribly long comment explaining it! (sorry Shack.)
so I won’t belabor it here.
and I wouldn’t be offended if you’d like to delete it Shackman! it really is too long.
I can’t speak for Shackman, but I read your comment and loved it. Go, tammy!
there is very little Tammy has to say that I do not enjoy immensely-
I can see where you come from and have left a response to your comments at Shackman’s post too.
Shackman — “To U’s point though – I suspect of everyone I know she has more grudges held against her than anyone, fairly or not.”
I may be missing something, but it seems to me U’s interactive style has hurt/offended some people and at least some of them just want her out of their lives so they can forget her. Why would that be considered holding a grudge? It strikes me as common sense, “once bitten, twice shy.”
And Ursula, you say you never hold a grudge, but you also seem to be saying that your intentions are always benign so if people take offense it’s because of defects in them, they are exceptionally needy, needing constant validation and unquestioning adulation. OK, even if that is/were true, you say you are having trouble letting it go and, as I recall, have even written blog posts disparaging them. That comes across as you feeling “ill will or resentment” towards them. If it isn’t a grudge, what would you call it?
interesting topic – but on the other hand it has bought up a “few issues” I have dealt with over my short lifetime…some I had forgotten about completely or some that just don’t come under my radar as much as they once did…
(the forgotten ones that surfaced in my memory, has me wondering “what happened to so-in-so?” Not that I’m going to race out and ask them…)
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That some long forgotten incident can crop up and lead us to wonder why we reacted the way we did then is accepted. If they did not, we will not be human!
Carrying grudges (or gunny sacking), planning ways to get even, then carrying them out successfully or not, is all a waste of time and energy, I think. Why clutter up my thoughts by focusing on someone, or their actions, that only create ill feelings in me? Why give them that power? “Killing with kindness” — not to be confused with weakness — can be healthier.
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Ah, killing with kindness and turning the other cheek! Long time since such ideas were thrown around! And thank you for introducing me to “gunny sacking”. Very interesting.
Killing with kindness is not to be confused with turning the other cheek.
Agreed but they both indicate different to holding a grudge reaction patterns.
But it’s an art, learned through patience and practice, isn’t it?
People who know me know that if I’m blowing off a little steam – venting – all will be well. If I become excrutiatingly correct and polite, and start carefully editing my emails, you might want to get out of the way. 🙂
I can’t say I’ve NEVER held a grudge. But anger and even hatred are not the opposite of love. Indifference is. So you have to ask yourself, if you’re feeling negative feelings, is it because the relationship still matters, that much, to you? If not, let it go. As someone once said, “Nurturing resentment is like giving your enemy space, rent free, in your head.” Why do that?