I Wish I Hadn’t Done That.


As strange as it may sound to my readers, there is only one thing about which I have regrets and which in retrospect I could have handled better.  And that is the last four years of my father’s life when he had come to live with me and the way our relationship, not the best at any time, kept deteriorating despite my best efforts to keep it peaceful and cheerful. During that very stressful period, I did loose my cool on a number of occasions and got into arguments with him. I was astounded every time at his total indifference to the issues involved till I went back to my library and found that it was typical behaviour for a narcissist.

I wish now that I had been more compassionate. This would have been easier said than done, but try I did on many occasions.  The way he kept manipulating me and the environment that I had provided for him made it next to impossible not to react and lose my cool.  He had either  shut down or was incapable of the emotional make up that would have enabled  a quid pro quo relationship.  He needed to be the alpha male in my patch of green and that was galling. Galling because he had never been the father that he could have been for me and my siblings and towards the end of his life and when I too was no spring chicken, it was all too much for me. Had it not been for my regular meditation practice, which kept my sanity intact, I doubt that I would have been here today writing this post.

I did the best that I could under the circumstances.  But I still have the odd moment when I wish that I had been more compassionate and yielding to his demands.

This topic has been suggested by Shackman for  the weekly Friday Loose Bloggers Consortium where currently five of us write on the same topic every Friday.  I hope that you have enjoyed my contribution to that effort.  The four other bloggers who write regularly are, in alphabetical order,  AshokgaelikaaMaxi, and Shackman. Do drop in on their blogs and see what their take is on this week’s topic. Since some of them may post late, or not at all this week, do give some allowance for that too!

18 thoughts on “I Wish I Hadn’t Done That.”

  1. I did not have an opportunity to do much for my father since he died when I was quite young and still studying . I however believe he instilled in me some great values and I looked up to him for what he knew , did and stood for : absolutely nothing by way of a material inheritance when he passed on , but somehow I ( and my late sister ) never regretted that one bit . On the contrary there was never enough I could do for my mother since I know how much she did and sacrificed for me . There are times when I feel I could have done more and regret it but one does what one can , not out of a desire for a quid-pro-quo but from genuinely wanting to .

    1. My relations with my father from my teen years were zero Nandu. Later on Urmeela made me patch up after Ranjan was born but that was at a very superficial level. My siblings did not like my taking him in at that stage. It was that kind of a relationship.

  2. Dearest Rummy, don’t beat yourself up over the past. You were steeped in a situation that you could not control. You gave all you had, did your best. In the end … allow yourself to be human.
    love and blessings ~ maxi

  3. The truly amazing redemption to me is your capacity to so honestly re-examine such a painful issue and allow yourself the vulnerability to change! As to what end, I think there is more to existence, consciousness and interconnection than we imagine. Regardless of what we imagine.

  4. I think you were remarkably stoical in the face of what seemed to be impossible demands and attitudes. If you’d showed more compassion, he would only have taken advantage of it. As the others say, don’t beat yourself up over it, you did the best you could in very trying circumstances.
    nick recently posted..My humble apologies

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