I am in some confusion and am writing this post to try and clear the cobwebs to come with the correct solution to a problem that I am facing just now.
There is an acquaintance whose presence in my life is toxic to say the least. He suffers from all kinds of complexes and covers up his own inadequacies by acting superior and generally being unpleasant and insufferable. I know that he will simply wither away if I cut him out of my life as he has few friends and those that he has, avoid him as much as they can. He has been pestering my other friends too with his unpleasantness and they have had enough of him.
My problem is to decide on the extent to which I should be compassionate and continue to allow him to be in my life. I keep coming to the conclusion that I should cut him off but I feel sorry for him as the last time that I did, he did show remorse and showed some moderation in his behaviour but I now see the old patterns creeping back into existence.
I think that I will sooner than later bite the bullet and cut him off.
This year I had a long-time friend become toxic, but in that case it was a no-brainer to cut her off. She has a large family so has plenty of support, and there were no signs of remorse. I remember the good times and understand that nothing lasts forever, especially at our age. I wish her well and have moved on.
Cheerful Monk recently posted..A Happy Talent
Absolutely the right thing to do. It takes two hands to clap.
Hi Rummy,
I think we have all faced this dilemma in life. What I usually do is: I slowly distance myself from that person. I love people but when they become emotional vampires then we have to make a decision otherwise our energies will be sucked up by these individuals. If their path is to learn, they will learn and change; if their path is to be alone, so be it.
Cheers and G-d Bless
Max Coutinho recently posted..Europe Under Attack: The Need to Change Middle East Policies
I have started the process of delinking from him. I hope that hs is intelligent enough to understand and go his way.
Hard decision, but sometimes compassion loses to self-preservation.
Mike Goad recently posted..Pass-Through
Right you are Mike. It is indeed self preservation.
There comes a time when – as a friend – honesty is the best policy. I’d just lay it out for this one and let the chips fall as they may. Life is too short – especially at this stage – to stress yourself over things you cannot control. This friend must be willing to address his issues or accept the consequences of his actions.
shackman recently posted..The Man from UNCLE/Mr. Holmes
I honestly did it once Shackman. He behaved himself for a while and gradually has become his old self. So, I have started the process of delinking from him and I hope that he will see the signs and go his way.
From your post you have made this decision once before and somehow the problem has returned – good for while and then slowly the apple has developed a rotting space. I know I have let people out of my life, especially when I was at my worse level of illness because “they just didn’t understand” that I couldn’t do all what I did before/whatever.
You are a time of your life when you don’t need another persons’ hindrance in it [other say a close family member, that’s different] because quite probably your need to make sure you life is as happy as possible for all kinds of reasons…
Yes, a split, a change for the better and back again to square one.
i too had to cut someone from my life.
he was in my husband’s family. so our connection had many years of family association.
he has been married four times. none of them lasted. and of course it was never his fault. he is the neediest most draining person i’ve ever known.
and i was always exhausted after visiting with him. he is totally negative and self centered. he even admits it. as if it’s an admirable trait!
oddly… when bob died he never contacted me once. even to see how i was doing.
but then he didn’t ‘need’ me then. they latch onto people. whoever is willing. it didn’t help that i didn’t respect anything about him.
i finally emailed him. i told him all we’d had in common had been bob and bob was long gone. i wished him well. but please not to contact me in any way ever again. and he hasn’t. that was three years ago.
i felt cruel. but i wanted a clean break. my own health needed it.
your friend will find a way. and as max says… he will follow his path.
that kind of thing wears at your health rummy. ♥
tammy j recently posted..even her hair!
Cutting off relatives from one’s life, particularly from the in laws side is more difficult than cutting off friends. I have started the delinking process and hope that this time he will go his way leaving me to mine. If it does not taper off like I hope it does, I will make it clear to him to get lost.
Tell us your decision and we will provide the correct justification.
My more serious reaction is that it is good for the soul to have a stressful individual or two in our life, but would not want to be in the position of advising someone else regarding relational triage.
Looney recently posted..вот украуна, не россия
I know that I can depend on you Looney!
No, you are right and this is one where I have to do the dirty work on my own.
I really want friendships to last forever and give toxic ones more time than I should for my own good. I cut off one toxic relationship after a lot of consideration and tries to continue. I felt light and finally unburden. Shortly after the break, the person died. Then, I went into an authentic mourning. Do I regret breaking the toxic friendship? I am not sure, but there is some regret that I was not able to help the person so obviously in trouble with himself..
I wish you making a good decision and I am not surprised that you procrastinate.
I think that I have given enough time for it sink in into my brain that it is not in my interest to continue the relationship. I have started the delinking process and hope that he will go his way.