Phyllis Diller Quotes.

My friend Saraswathy surprised me with these Phyllis Diller quotes which I think will amuse all my readers.

Whatever  you may look like, marry  a man your own age.As your beauty fades, so  will his     eyesight.



Housework  can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house  while your kids are still growing up is  like shoveling the sidewalk  before it stops snowing.



The  reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the  same outfit in public.


Best  way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy  who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have  all the things I couldn’t afford.Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only  thing that keeps some parents going.

Any  time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just  been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s  lives  teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling  them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out.I  was in his room.

What  I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally  got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a  half.



Old  age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My  photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me.

I  admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle  –  keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this  milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The  reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is  so you can’t see  him laughing.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your  blood type.