How People Get Together.

There is a fantastic post by Stacey called ’25 Random Things, Facts, Habits, and Goals’ on her blog ‘Create A Balance’. It is worth a read and I hope that you will and find out a great deal about her in that post.

Among the many things that Stacey writes about, the most fascinating is how she and her husband spent their very first few days in the hospital nursery together! They have known each other for that long!

Since I read that, I have not been able to get over this wonderful story. I have heard many stories about how married couple met each other but this was completely out of the box as it were.

This also gave me the idea to write about how Urmeela and I met and eventually got married. In India particularly, this story forty years ago was unusual in that most marriages were “Arranged” by the parents of both the people involved as it is today, but not to the same extent. Today, a “Love Marriage” as it is called when the boy and the girl meet without the aegis of their parents, court and get married, are not as rare as during our time, forty one years ago.

I first met Urmeela in 1961 at Hyderabad. Yes, there is no typo there, 1961. I had the good fortune of having for a very close friend, her late brother. Both of us were salesmen, with different companies but who used to meet for tea or coffee regularly in a tea shop. At the end of each working day, we would also meet at a bar for a couple of drinks. I used to ask Urmeela out for a movie or dinner once in a way as I would a male friend and we would simply go out and return. In fact, I was going steady with another girl at that time, and I would take her to Urmeela’s home to meet up with the family as other members of the family were also almost like family to me.

In 1962, I shifted residence and jobs and went away to Chennai. Except for a brief meeting in Mumbai in 1966 when Urmeela had an one woman show at the Taj Art Gallery, we did not meet in the interim period. In 1968, I was given a short duration posting at Hyderabad again and we met up with each other all over again. There still was no big romance or anything like that happening and we used to enjoy each other’s company and catch a movie and dinner together on and off. One day, I simply asked her to marry me as we seemed to enjoy each other’s company, and lo and behold she said yes!

Now for some more information. Both of us were known to many people, some, her friends and family and some mine. From both opposite sides, we were advised to stay clear of marriage as the other was not suited for marriage and was a maverick. Well wishers indeed! We got married nevertheless and have survived each other’s ‘maverickness’ successfully these past forty plus years.

She was certainly one apple that was on the top branch who waited. I have already been certified as being fine wine by Conrad.

I bet that there are other Apples and wine stories out there waiting to be told. Why don’t you share?

Marriage Violence and Divorce.

The last few posts have some how coincided with my reading of a book “Marriage and Violence” by Frances E. Dolan. Dolan takes a very scholarly look at the historical background to the institution of marriage and the equations between the two persons involved in the relationship. Somehow, at the end of the experience I just could not understand the various observations made by her on the very institution.

My own take on the institution by now must be quite apparent to my readers. I strongly believe in the institution and believe that one does not have to work at it to make it successful. One simply has to accept that it is a relationship entered into with open eyes and sanctified either by a religious rite or a civil contract. Once this fact is accepted, the question of who is the controlling factor in the relationship, about which Dolan elaborates in detail, becomes a meaningless exercise as, it would be obvious that both are equal and that when both are willing to treat the other as such, the relationship simply gets reinforced.

I had posted a photograph of the Tuckloo Club earlier today on the request of Tikno. Huseina and Abbas have been married for 54 years, Vimlu and Chandru celebrated their 50th anniversary, just two months ago. Urmeela and I celebrated our 40th anniversary earlier this month.

It is not as though we have not had our share of ups and downs. All three couples have had as many as is par for any married couple. We have survived. And successfully. We have not had any violence in our lives.

I also notice from most of the readers that visit this blog that there are many marriages among them that have lasted long periods of time, some going through the early stages of building successful families and so on and so forth. I do not see any violence anywhere here too.

I am unable to understand why marriages fail. Two years ago, our son and his wife of five years decided that they would rather be friends than husband and wife and have been divorced. I could not understand it then, though I accepted their decision, I do not understand it now and I do not think that I will ever be able to. I also observe that the incidence of divorce has been growing exponently in the last two decades in India, and I understand else where in the world too.

Is it that civilization has decided to redefine the institution of marriage? Am I just lucky? Is it just serendipity that my blog also gets people who perhaps do not understand marriage violence in marriage and divorce?

A Sales Representative’s Dilemma. – Conclusion.

My readers will recall my earlier post about my young friend and the marital problems that he was facing. To refresh your memory, you may wish to visit the post again.
The advise that I had given to him followed a detailed discussion with him from which I gathered that he had not informed his wife about discussing the matter with him. My first advice therefore to him was to inform her about our discussion and then to suggest that they both meet me together.
This meeting duly took place when I suggested to both of them that since I was not a qualified Marriage Counselor, they visit one to resolve their issues. They agreed, and in consultation with my GP, I suggested a name to them. Both of them promised to visit the Counselor soon and left.
The following day, I received a phone call from the wife’s father who wanted to visit with me and discuss this matter. I had met him only during the wedding and did not know him too well. I however agreed to the meeting and that too took place. The sum and substance of the discussion was that the father felt that his daughter had made a mistake and being the only child, he and wife had agreed to the wedding but now felt that we must seriously advise both to agree for a divorce. He was confident that he would be able to persuade his daughter to agree and requested me to do persuade MYF. With reluctance, but with a sense of foreboding, I agreed to talk to the lad and we parted amicably.
The couple did not visit the Counselor. The wife met her father on the day following her meeting with me and decided to stay put with her parents and face whatever came her way. MYF rang me up to tell me this and to inform me that since she has already moved to her parents’ place and had informed him of her decision, there was nothing left to do but to agree to a divorce by mutual consent and close the chapter.
Let me give you some more background so that you will understand what happened.
The couple met when they were both in college. It was a typical college romance with a number of similar couples meeting together, doing things together and being known as a couple. No sooner they graduated and MYF got himself a job, they got married.
MYF comes from a typical Indian middle class background. They are comfortable, but not wealthy by any standards. The girl on the other hand, comes from a very wealthy background. The father is a highly respected businessman who had built his business from scratch and could be considered as nouveau-rich. The daughter is an only child.
Need I say more?